Scare Me

I don't understand. I don't get why I feel this way...why I want him so bad. It's like another conquest for me...another goal. I'm scared, though. I don't want to ruin the friendship we have...everything's working out fine right now. However, I want them to be different so bad. I want situations and experiences to be different. I want him to be happy, which, right now I don't think he is. If I do this, though, and let him know...things could drastically change. I mean drastically.

My heart and my brain are having a fight. My heart wants things...it's lusting. My brain, however, is being sensible, and saying no. My heart feels comfortable and wants him so bad. To be held, appreciated...to be cared for. My brain...knows my heart's wrong. It knows that I'd hate myself for it...and that the one moment of ecstasy isn't worth the aftermath I would lay upon myself.

If I do this, I'm going against everything I've stood for my whole life. I'm becoming one of those girls I hated. Absolutely hated & never wanted to be. If I become that girl, where did my old self go? How did I get this way? How can one guy make me want to change everything I stand for?

No. No, my brain says. It's not worth it. It's not worth losing that friendship and making things ackward.

But you feel so comfortable with him, my heart counters. Everything's natural...it seems right. If it seems right, it has to be right.

It's wrong.

It's different.

It's trashy.

It's an adventure.

It's against your morals.

It'd be thrilling.

And you think you know who I'm talking about.

but honestly, you really have no idea.