Sunday, February 24, 2008

Scare Me

I don't understand. I don't get why I feel this way...why I want him so bad. It's like another conquest for me...another goal. I'm scared, though. I don't want to ruin the friendship we have...everything's working out fine right now. However, I want them to be different so bad. I want situations and experiences to be different. I want him to be happy, which, right now I don't think he is. If I do this, though, and let him know...things could drastically change. I mean drastically.

My heart and my brain are having a fight. My heart wants's lusting. My brain, however, is being sensible, and saying no. My heart feels comfortable and wants him so bad. To be held, be cared for. My brain...knows my heart's wrong. It knows that I'd hate myself for it...and that the one moment of ecstasy isn't worth the aftermath I would lay upon myself.

If I do this, I'm going against everything I've stood for my whole life. I'm becoming one of those girls I hated. Absolutely hated & never wanted to be. If I become that girl, where did my old self go? How did I get this way? How can one guy make me want to change everything I stand for?

No. No, my brain says. It's not worth it. It's not worth losing that friendship and making things ackward.

But you feel so comfortable with him, my heart counters. Everything's seems right. If it seems right, it has to be right.

It's wrong.

It's different.

It's trashy.

It's an adventure.

It's against your morals.

It'd be thrilling.

And you think you know who I'm talking about.

but honestly, you really have no idea.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

I still like Chick Flicks && a Real Good Cry

Valentines Day.

Yep, here we go again.

I was fine. I am fine. I'm content watching movies all night. Then why, oh why, am I so devastated right now? No, wrong word. Not devastated. Down on myself. Yes. Down on myself.

It was a wonderful day. Waking up and finding a surprise valentines day card on my door from one of my very good friends who commutes to State every day was amazing. Him getting that valentine to my door meant that he had to leave early to put it there. Coming from a guy who hates valentines day, I really appreciated it.

Class. Nothing too bad, nothing too good, either. My Journ prof gave us candy, and that made me happy. It wasn't until I came back to the dorm and my nightly plans were all turned around that I became this melancholy mess. She's down there with the boys. That's fine, honestly! I was, too, until my stomache didn't feel good and I came back here to rest.

then I started thinking....and we all know what thinking does to me.

So, happy Valentines day to all. I hope it's been good to you.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Valentines Day

It's that time of year again. The time of year that Hallmark reminds all of us single people that we...well, are just that. Single.

Not that I mind being single this year for the dreaded Valentines Day. I'm just sick of all the hype. Granted, I should be upset about all of the hype, as well. It's my first single Valentines Day in...three, maybe four years.

This year I was perfectly content to sitting in a theater with my best friend watching the newest chick flick. That's not even happening, now, seeing as how we're both tired of everything red & lovey-dovey. Even I find myself drawing little hearts in the margins of my notes during classes and it's hard to stop myself. Love is all around, especially 'in the air'.

And, as a disclaimer, I'm putting this in right here right now. I'm not upset that anyone has a date for V-day. Good job! have fun, enjoy it. I'm happy for you. I, myself, have come to terms with the fact that I will be alone on Valentines Day. In fact, I won't even really be alone. I'll be with two of my very good friends, whilst the third is on a date with her boyfriend.

However, if I have come to terms with this fact, and I'm happy with it, and plan on doing nothing else, please don't be calling me asking me to be your Valentine. Now, Grandma, I can understand you. I will gladly be your Valentine. However, if you call and ask me what I am doing for Valentines day a week ago and I answer with a 'going to the movies with my friends, I'll be at State'...wouldn't someone just let the subject drop?

Yes...I do believe someone would. However, not this one. No. Instead, I get another text message tonight. "What are you doing on Thursday?" Now, it's nothing. However, I have to leave very early on Friday to make it to Boston by Friday night. So, getting back to the fact that I'm content just sitting on a futon, studying and watching T.V. I've come to terms with it, accepted it, and am actually looking forward to it.

"What about tonight?"

Can a guy just not get a hint? I'm not interested. I'm fresh out of a relationship from...maybe a month ago.

I don't even really want to go on dates right now. I just need friends. And to be single. Single Kristy-- the one who never, ever relied on any guy to make her happy. The one who thought of them as...well, playtoys. That's just what you are to me, right now. I have you begging at my feet for me to spend time with you when you're forever and a day away...and I'm here at school. Being busy. So, I'm sorry-- realize it, and move on. You're more like a brother to me, anyways.

Why do certain guys just not get the hint?

I guess that's another thought process for another time...


Interpersonal Communication is....

As of right now, I actually feel like a college student. Not the social aspect, not the sports aspect, but, I do believe, I look, and finally feel, the part. Pajama pants, a hoodie, and my hair looking nice from the day, I look like a girl who just doesn't really care right now because she has an exam in just a little over 14 hours.

Sitting here with my mug of hot chocolate (and mini marshmallows, mind you), I should be studying. For what? Communications 225. Interpersonal Communication & The Self, or something like that. Here's what I've studied so far:

Interpersonal communication is, for the most part, subconcious. Communication is based off of one's culture, ethnicity, gender, social class, & region of the country. And, I just burned my tongue. Just an FYI. There's many different models, but the few I need to be concerned with for tomorrow are the Linear, the Transaction & Interactional model.

Going over all of my notes...I realize, I don't know this at all. I mean, yes, I know it, I understand it...but I can't comprehend it. It hasn't sunk in to my brain where I can say, 'hey, that's the answer!' nope. not happenin'. Not tonight, at least.

Yep...back to the studying. Maybe something fun later.