Tuesday, April 24, 2007

I'm freaking Dr. Phil

him: she doesnt talk about anything important.
him: and thats what a relationship is for me.
him: someone to talk to, about anything and everything, but more so if its something thats important to either of us.
him: and nothing is ever important to her, and therefore nothing important to me is ever really that important.
him: so we just sort of talk about the weather.
me: which sucks.
me: because really, what you're looking for in a relationship is a best friend.
me: and best friends know basically everything about each other.
me: they're the one you run to when you need help,
me: when you need someone to be there for you,
me: when serious things occur, when you need advice.
me: but they're also there just to go shopping, or to watch a movie, goof around with.
me: ultimately, you're looking for them to be the person who knows you the best. the one who when you say you don't want to talk to anyone, knows when you need to talk, and when to back off.

Wow, between my Ben & Jerry's quote earlier (Ben and Jerry are my two favorite boys. They're perfect to hang out with on a laid-back Saturday night, always willing to hang out with your girls, and they're always there to pick you up when you've fallen from a heartbreak.)

Sunday, April 8, 2007

Finally Got over that song of ours...

Finally got over that song of ours; stopped chasin' little red sports cars,
To check the license plates and I quit drivin' by your place.
Back makin' the rounds at our old haunts: Honky Tonks, restaurants.
And seein' some of our old friends: it feels good to dance again.
And I can finally smell your perfume and not look around the room for you.
And I can walk right by your picture in a frame and not feel a thing.

But when I hear your name,
I feel rain fallin' right out of the blue sky.
And it's the fifth of May, and I'm right there starin' in your eyes.
And nothin's changed, and we're still same.
And I get lost in the innocence of a first kiss,
And I'm hangin' on to every word rollin' off of your lips:
And that's all it takes, and I'm in that place,
Every time I hear your name.

~Keith Anderson knows exactly how to describe my feelings right now. Everytime I hear your name...the first verse and the chorus explain it all. I'm moving on with my life, and I can't wait for the next first kiss. There's a whole new firsts I'm ready for- and I can't wait. Listening to that song tonight made me realize, I can listen to You Save Me, I'm dealing with everyone who asks if I'm still dating you, and it doesn't hurt and I don't hesitate to say no anymore. I look back on the times we had, and realize that you helped me to be the person I am today, and not only that, you helped me make one of the best friendships I have now. I look at pictures, and smile. I talk about you with no tinge of sadness at all. I know I've thanked you before, but I'm doing it again. I remember all the times we had (the good and the bad), and realize I wouldn't trade them for the world. And I can't wait to screen all of your new girlfriends, tell you how you can do so much better but if you like them, then go for it. And I can only hope that you'll be completely honest with all of my upcoming boyfriends, too. Not going to lie, I'll always have a twinge of jealousy that those girls are with you, even though I don't want you, it's the whole I can have someone new but you can't. I'll deal with it, though, just like you'll have to. So, adios, and I can't wait for all of my firsts that are upcoming. And, I especially can't wait for the next summer fling. Because those, are the best.

Saturday, April 7, 2007

And in the mix of things, the Spray Butter was lost

"We didn't ever lose each other, we just got separated from the herd and it took the shepard a while to find us."
The above statement, is completely true. It's amazing how you can not talk to a person for two or three months, think about them all the time, wonder about them, not take the pictures down of them, know you might see them, be cordial, but nothing really more, and then have a connection with them you haven't had in a long time.

It was just a simple job. Take her boyfriend up to 7/11 to get some spray butter. He walks out, is yelling in the phone, and slams my new car door. What's wrong? His girlfriend (my long-time best friend) is at her ex-boyfriends house. Now, this isn't just any ex-boyfriend...It's her first love. One she never wanted to see again. This, is a big deal. Shaking my head, I just knew what I had to do. Without question I drove back to the house we were at. He ran inside, grabbed any guy who would go, and told me to stay. Yea, right. I told him I was driving.
Let's take a step back here. Even though I hadn't talked to this girl, I knew what she needed. A.) not to be there, B.) for her boyfriend not to be yelling at her because of it, C.) someone to yell at the people she was with for letting her go there, and D.) Me to get her out of there okay and alive. Yes, that's a little bit cockey of myself...but no one else was right for the job.

She knew something was up when she saw me walk through the door. I motioned for her to come to me, and she did. No questions asked. There wasn't even a look in her eye. I whispered to her "go talk to him". They did. Fifteen minutes and almost one fight later (Yes, I was going to hit a girl. Don't put it past me- she was the one who made short stuff go), they came back. I could tell she wasn't okay even when I asked her. So, a big hug was in order. I could feel her trembling, so I took her outside. Like I said, I know this girl, and she knows me.

We talked for a while, until we were both freezing cold. Turns out, she didn't want to be there. She was uncomfortable, but she was the DD. I told her it didn't matter. If she wanted to leave, then it was time to leave. I told her she needed to learn the rules of being the DD :). I gave her the old spiel I usually give her, and then we went back inside. We rounded up the guys and left.

Her boyfriend was smoking outside, and she started yelling at him. I grabbed her arm and made it clear she had no right to say anything at that moment in time. The thing with this girl is, we could not talk for months, and if one of us was in trouble, or somewhere where she needed rescuing, the other would be there in a heartbeat. And not only that, we could still be frankly honest and yell at the other one if they were being ignorant and wrong, and the other wouldn't take offense to it. She was in no position to say anything to him, and he was in no position to say anything to her, either. I was the ref. Yep, black & white stripes all the way- a yellow card was being held up. We held hands the whole way home, and I even drove her car back to the party with our friends for her.
She and I talked in the car, just covering the basics of the last few months. She had checked up on me, as I did her. However, instead of doing it the old-fashioned way, she just did the smart thing. She read. What did she read? The very thing you're reading now. to tell you the truth, I wouldn't have even thought of it. and that's why I told her she was the smarter one out of the two of us.
The party was broken up by parent's about a half hour after we got back, so we headed over to my house (she had had another opportunity to speak to her boyfriend, and things were getting better between the two of them). We hot-tubbed it for about ten minutes before we got a call saying to go to another house. She went, I stayed. She needed to, I didn't. I got a call five minutes after she left my house. She said, "You want to hear my philosophy?" of course I was intruiged, "We didn't lose each other, we just got separated from the herd and it took the shepard a little while to find us".

"We'll never lose each other." was my response. And now, here I am, writing this, waiting for her to return. Even if she didn't (which I know she will, her blanket & pillow is still here), I'd be okay with it. Because what needed to be done was done tonight.

It's not the same, and it won't be for a while, but we're working on it. It will be, eventually, and I can't wait for that day to come. Whether it be this summer,tomorrow, sometime next year, or even in three years. It'll be a great day. And, I have a feeling, I won't even recognize the day. I'll look back three years after it happens, and laugh about how dumb I was, because I've finally realized we were back to normal...which, for us, really isn't normal at all.

Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget....G. Randolf.

Thursday, April 5, 2007

No one knows how badly I need to talk right now. I want to cry so bad, but I'm not letting myself. I thought writing was a good idea, because I couldn't get these thoughts out of my head...but now, I don't know what to put.

For one, thank you for calling me up and venting to me. I wouldn't expect anything less...but now, I can't fall asleep, and I need to vent. So, when I need to vent...you need to sleep. I woke up for you, and even though you told me to go back to sleep, I stayed on the line because I knew you had to vent. I knew something was wrong. Yes, I understand you're only going to get two hours of sleep before you go to school tomorrow, and yes, I understand that there are probably so many things running through your mind right now it's hard for you to reach that state, as well. Once I realized that you were almost asleep, I was going to let you go. There was no need what-so-ever to say, "no, I'm going to sleep". I would never, NEVER say that to you if you needed to talk. That pissed me off. Maybe I'm too good a friend, then. And I wasn't going to tell you, anyways, because a.) you didn't need me stressing you out more, and b.) you needed sleep. You didn't need it, but,now,I need you.

I've undergone so many things this year. I've dealt with so many different things emotionally, I'm wondering right now how I'm carrying on. I know it's all a part of life, but right now I'm sick of life. Right now, I want last summer back. I want my friends who knew everything about me- and don't get me wrong, I love my new friends, honestly they are the best. So, hearts go out to Elissa, Alyssa and Mel. But, since the beginning of the school year, I've changed. I'm not the same person emotionally anymore, and you know that. You helped me become who I am today. You saw me through a horrible first semester, losing two of my best friends, finally getting out there and making new friends, and a horrible event that occured less than two weeks ago. Now, even though you'll probably get very angry when you read this, you need to know. It's exactly how I'm feeling, exactly what you need to know because I don't have the guts to tell you right now.

Don't trade me in. I know you think this is retarded, and you're angry with me for thinking this...but I've already lost two of my best friends in the whole entire world because of you. You started pointing out flaws right and left, you made me realize that they weren't the people I wanted to be hanging out with...but basically, I grew up and really forgot about everyone back home. Who do I have left now that I'm really close to? You. I'm just scared with all the partying you do now, and everything, that you're going to trade me in for someone new. You're going to find someone else and get closer to them. Why am I even worried about this? Because when I'm home, when I was so pissed off at you, but I was trying to deal with it, you were going to go over there. You were going to go party and have fun...when not even a month ago, you would have still come and been with me even when I had said I was fine. The point being, I know you didn't ditch me for them...but you were going to. And that hurts.

I'm not upset that you have other friends- if I was, there'd be something wrong and I would tell you not to be my friend. I know it may seem like that's the case, but I'm not. You're under so much stress right now, and I am, too. I'm just so scared (and I have been for a while) that you're going to start hanging out with these guys so much that you're going to forget about me. And where does that leave me? Alone...completely. And I can't deal with that.

Now I'm up, at 4:00 am, writing this. Anyone in their right mind would be asleep, but I can't. I need to talk, you need to know this. I've already called you twice...but I know you can't deal with this, and that's why I'm not telling you. I don't know what this is going to accomplish (sending you this) it'll probably make you as pissed off as ever, and I know you don't need that, either. So don't be mad at me, because last night you wanted to know. I'm not bringing it up again, unless you do. Don't get mad at me, it's just something you needed to know. Honestly, I'm too worried about you most of the time to worry about me. And I know you're going to yell at me for that, too, but...until now you weren't worrying enough about it. So at least one of us was. So thank you for ruining my excellent night. It was honestly great up until around quarter after 3. And now, I'm the one who won't get any sleep tonight.