No one knows how badly I need to talk right now. I want to cry so bad, but I'm not letting myself. I thought writing was a good idea, because I couldn't get these thoughts out of my head...but now, I don't know what to put.

For one, thank you for calling me up and venting to me. I wouldn't expect anything less...but now, I can't fall asleep, and I need to vent. So, when I need to vent...you need to sleep. I woke up for you, and even though you told me to go back to sleep, I stayed on the line because I knew you had to vent. I knew something was wrong. Yes, I understand you're only going to get two hours of sleep before you go to school tomorrow, and yes, I understand that there are probably so many things running through your mind right now it's hard for you to reach that state, as well. Once I realized that you were almost asleep, I was going to let you go. There was no need what-so-ever to say, "no, I'm going to sleep". I would never, NEVER say that to you if you needed to talk. That pissed me off. Maybe I'm too good a friend, then. And I wasn't going to tell you, anyways, because a.) you didn't need me stressing you out more, and b.) you needed sleep. You didn't need it, but,now,I need you.

I've undergone so many things this year. I've dealt with so many different things emotionally, I'm wondering right now how I'm carrying on. I know it's all a part of life, but right now I'm sick of life. Right now, I want last summer back. I want my friends who knew everything about me- and don't get me wrong, I love my new friends, honestly they are the best. So, hearts go out to Elissa, Alyssa and Mel. But, since the beginning of the school year, I've changed. I'm not the same person emotionally anymore, and you know that. You helped me become who I am today. You saw me through a horrible first semester, losing two of my best friends, finally getting out there and making new friends, and a horrible event that occured less than two weeks ago. Now, even though you'll probably get very angry when you read this, you need to know. It's exactly how I'm feeling, exactly what you need to know because I don't have the guts to tell you right now.

Don't trade me in. I know you think this is retarded, and you're angry with me for thinking this...but I've already lost two of my best friends in the whole entire world because of you. You started pointing out flaws right and left, you made me realize that they weren't the people I wanted to be hanging out with...but basically, I grew up and really forgot about everyone back home. Who do I have left now that I'm really close to? You. I'm just scared with all the partying you do now, and everything, that you're going to trade me in for someone new. You're going to find someone else and get closer to them. Why am I even worried about this? Because when I'm home, when I was so pissed off at you, but I was trying to deal with it, you were going to go over there. You were going to go party and have fun...when not even a month ago, you would have still come and been with me even when I had said I was fine. The point being, I know you didn't ditch me for them...but you were going to. And that hurts.

I'm not upset that you have other friends- if I was, there'd be something wrong and I would tell you not to be my friend. I know it may seem like that's the case, but I'm not. You're under so much stress right now, and I am, too. I'm just so scared (and I have been for a while) that you're going to start hanging out with these guys so much that you're going to forget about me. And where does that leave me? Alone...completely. And I can't deal with that.

Now I'm up, at 4:00 am, writing this. Anyone in their right mind would be asleep, but I can't. I need to talk, you need to know this. I've already called you twice...but I know you can't deal with this, and that's why I'm not telling you. I don't know what this is going to accomplish (sending you this) it'll probably make you as pissed off as ever, and I know you don't need that, either. So don't be mad at me, because last night you wanted to know. I'm not bringing it up again, unless you do. Don't get mad at me, it's just something you needed to know. Honestly, I'm too worried about you most of the time to worry about me. And I know you're going to yell at me for that, too, but...until now you weren't worrying enough about it. So at least one of us was. So thank you for ruining my excellent night. It was honestly great up until around quarter after 3. And now, I'm the one who won't get any sleep tonight.