I don't understand. I don't get why I feel this way...why I want him so bad. It's like another conquest for me...another goal. I'm scared, though. I don't want to ruin the friendship we have...everything's working out fine right now. However, I want them to be different so bad. I want situations and experiences to be different. I want him to be happy, which, right now I don't think he is. If I do this, though, and let him know...things could drastically change. I mean drastically.
My heart and my brain are having a fight. My heart wants things...it's lusting. My brain, however, is being sensible, and saying no. My heart feels comfortable and wants him so bad. To be held, appreciated...to be cared for. My brain...knows my heart's wrong. It knows that I'd hate myself for it...and that the one moment of ecstasy isn't worth the aftermath I would lay upon myself.
If I do this, I'm going against everything I've stood for my whole life. I'm becoming one of those girls I hated. Absolutely hated & never wanted to be. If I become that girl, where did my old self go? How did I get this way? How can one guy make me want to change everything I stand for?
No. No, my brain says. It's not worth it. It's not worth losing that friendship and making things ackward.
But you feel so comfortable with him, my heart counters. Everything's natural...it seems right. If it seems right, it has to be right.
It's wrong.
It's different.
It's trashy.
It's an adventure.
It's against your morals.
It'd be thrilling.
And you think you know who I'm talking about.
but honestly, you really have no idea.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
I still like Chick Flicks && a Real Good Cry
Valentines Day.
Yep, here we go again.
I was fine. I am fine. I'm content watching movies all night. Then why, oh why, am I so devastated right now? No, wrong word. Not devastated. Down on myself. Yes. Down on myself.
It was a wonderful day. Waking up and finding a surprise valentines day card on my door from one of my very good friends who commutes to State every day was amazing. Him getting that valentine to my door meant that he had to leave early to put it there. Coming from a guy who hates valentines day, I really appreciated it.
Class. Nothing too bad, nothing too good, either. My Journ prof gave us candy, and that made me happy. It wasn't until I came back to the dorm and my nightly plans were all turned around that I became this melancholy mess. She's down there with the boys. That's fine, honestly! I was, too, until my stomache didn't feel good and I came back here to rest.
then I started thinking....and we all know what thinking does to me.
So, happy Valentines day to all. I hope it's been good to you.
Yep, here we go again.
I was fine. I am fine. I'm content watching movies all night. Then why, oh why, am I so devastated right now? No, wrong word. Not devastated. Down on myself. Yes. Down on myself.
It was a wonderful day. Waking up and finding a surprise valentines day card on my door from one of my very good friends who commutes to State every day was amazing. Him getting that valentine to my door meant that he had to leave early to put it there. Coming from a guy who hates valentines day, I really appreciated it.
Class. Nothing too bad, nothing too good, either. My Journ prof gave us candy, and that made me happy. It wasn't until I came back to the dorm and my nightly plans were all turned around that I became this melancholy mess. She's down there with the boys. That's fine, honestly! I was, too, until my stomache didn't feel good and I came back here to rest.
then I started thinking....and we all know what thinking does to me.
So, happy Valentines day to all. I hope it's been good to you.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Valentines Day
It's that time of year again. The time of year that Hallmark reminds all of us single people that we...well, are just that. Single.
Not that I mind being single this year for the dreaded Valentines Day. I'm just sick of all the hype. Granted, I should be upset about all of the hype, as well. It's my first single Valentines Day in...three, maybe four years.
This year I was perfectly content to sitting in a theater with my best friend watching the newest chick flick. That's not even happening, now, seeing as how we're both tired of everything red & lovey-dovey. Even I find myself drawing little hearts in the margins of my notes during classes and it's hard to stop myself. Love is all around, especially 'in the air'.
And, as a disclaimer, I'm putting this in right here right now. I'm not upset that anyone has a date for V-day. Good job! have fun, enjoy it. I'm happy for you. I, myself, have come to terms with the fact that I will be alone on Valentines Day. In fact, I won't even really be alone. I'll be with two of my very good friends, whilst the third is on a date with her boyfriend.
However, if I have come to terms with this fact, and I'm happy with it, and plan on doing nothing else, please don't be calling me asking me to be your Valentine. Now, Grandma, I can understand you. I will gladly be your Valentine. However, if you call and ask me what I am doing for Valentines day a week ago and I answer with a 'going to the movies with my friends, I'll be at State'...wouldn't someone just let the subject drop?
Yes...I do believe someone would. However, not this one. No. Instead, I get another text message tonight. "What are you doing on Thursday?" Now, it's nothing. However, I have to leave very early on Friday to make it to Boston by Friday night. So, getting back to the fact that I'm content just sitting on a futon, studying and watching T.V. I've come to terms with it, accepted it, and am actually looking forward to it.
"What about tonight?"
Can a guy just not get a hint? I'm not interested. I'm fresh out of a relationship from...maybe a month ago.
I don't even really want to go on dates right now. I just need friends. And to be single. Single Kristy-- the one who never, ever relied on any guy to make her happy. The one who thought of them as...well, playtoys. That's just what you are to me, right now. I have you begging at my feet for me to spend time with you when you're forever and a day away...and I'm here at school. Being busy. So, I'm sorry-- realize it, and move on. You're more like a brother to me, anyways.
Why do certain guys just not get the hint?
I guess that's another thought process for another time...
Kristy
Not that I mind being single this year for the dreaded Valentines Day. I'm just sick of all the hype. Granted, I should be upset about all of the hype, as well. It's my first single Valentines Day in...three, maybe four years.
This year I was perfectly content to sitting in a theater with my best friend watching the newest chick flick. That's not even happening, now, seeing as how we're both tired of everything red & lovey-dovey. Even I find myself drawing little hearts in the margins of my notes during classes and it's hard to stop myself. Love is all around, especially 'in the air'.
And, as a disclaimer, I'm putting this in right here right now. I'm not upset that anyone has a date for V-day. Good job! have fun, enjoy it. I'm happy for you. I, myself, have come to terms with the fact that I will be alone on Valentines Day. In fact, I won't even really be alone. I'll be with two of my very good friends, whilst the third is on a date with her boyfriend.
However, if I have come to terms with this fact, and I'm happy with it, and plan on doing nothing else, please don't be calling me asking me to be your Valentine. Now, Grandma, I can understand you. I will gladly be your Valentine. However, if you call and ask me what I am doing for Valentines day a week ago and I answer with a 'going to the movies with my friends, I'll be at State'...wouldn't someone just let the subject drop?
Yes...I do believe someone would. However, not this one. No. Instead, I get another text message tonight. "What are you doing on Thursday?" Now, it's nothing. However, I have to leave very early on Friday to make it to Boston by Friday night. So, getting back to the fact that I'm content just sitting on a futon, studying and watching T.V. I've come to terms with it, accepted it, and am actually looking forward to it.
"What about tonight?"
Can a guy just not get a hint? I'm not interested. I'm fresh out of a relationship from...maybe a month ago.
I don't even really want to go on dates right now. I just need friends. And to be single. Single Kristy-- the one who never, ever relied on any guy to make her happy. The one who thought of them as...well, playtoys. That's just what you are to me, right now. I have you begging at my feet for me to spend time with you when you're forever and a day away...and I'm here at school. Being busy. So, I'm sorry-- realize it, and move on. You're more like a brother to me, anyways.
Why do certain guys just not get the hint?
I guess that's another thought process for another time...
Kristy
Interpersonal Communication is....
As of right now, I actually feel like a college student. Not the social aspect, not the sports aspect, but, I do believe, I look, and finally feel, the part. Pajama pants, a hoodie, and my hair looking nice from the day, I look like a girl who just doesn't really care right now because she has an exam in just a little over 14 hours.
Sitting here with my mug of hot chocolate (and mini marshmallows, mind you), I should be studying. For what? Communications 225. Interpersonal Communication & The Self, or something like that. Here's what I've studied so far:
Interpersonal communication is, for the most part, subconcious. Communication is based off of one's culture, ethnicity, gender, social class, & region of the country. And, I just burned my tongue. Just an FYI. There's many different models, but the few I need to be concerned with for tomorrow are the Linear, the Transaction & Interactional model.
Going over all of my notes...I realize, I don't know this at all. I mean, yes, I know it, I understand it...but I can't comprehend it. It hasn't sunk in to my brain where I can say, 'hey, that's the answer!' nope. not happenin'. Not tonight, at least.
Yep...back to the studying. Maybe something fun later.
maybe.
Sitting here with my mug of hot chocolate (and mini marshmallows, mind you), I should be studying. For what? Communications 225. Interpersonal Communication & The Self, or something like that. Here's what I've studied so far:
Interpersonal communication is, for the most part, subconcious. Communication is based off of one's culture, ethnicity, gender, social class, & region of the country. And, I just burned my tongue. Just an FYI. There's many different models, but the few I need to be concerned with for tomorrow are the Linear, the Transaction & Interactional model.
Going over all of my notes...I realize, I don't know this at all. I mean, yes, I know it, I understand it...but I can't comprehend it. It hasn't sunk in to my brain where I can say, 'hey, that's the answer!' nope. not happenin'. Not tonight, at least.
Yep...back to the studying. Maybe something fun later.
maybe.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
Published
Everyone, on Wednesday, January 16th, should check out Spartanedge.com
I can not tell everyone how amazing it feels to have my first article ever published. Yes, finally, I wrote something that is actually PUBLISHED. Not just any article, though. A Sports article. on The Tigers. it's amazing how I've always dreamed about it, but now, it's finally coming true. Meeting Vance Wilson, Jordan Tata and Rick Porcello was just absolutely amazing, and I can't WAIT to be able to get my real press pass and be able to go backstage all the time!
I've always been in the newspaper, or on t.v., but just being interviewed. Not actually writing for it. And it just feels amazing. It's the first step to actually being a real journalist, actually writing for a real organization, being able to express my views to other people. It's what I've always wanted, and I'm so psyched I get to share it all with you.
So, watch for it! Spartanedge.com
gotta love it!
I can not tell everyone how amazing it feels to have my first article ever published. Yes, finally, I wrote something that is actually PUBLISHED. Not just any article, though. A Sports article. on The Tigers. it's amazing how I've always dreamed about it, but now, it's finally coming true. Meeting Vance Wilson, Jordan Tata and Rick Porcello was just absolutely amazing, and I can't WAIT to be able to get my real press pass and be able to go backstage all the time!
I've always been in the newspaper, or on t.v., but just being interviewed. Not actually writing for it. And it just feels amazing. It's the first step to actually being a real journalist, actually writing for a real organization, being able to express my views to other people. It's what I've always wanted, and I'm so psyched I get to share it all with you.
So, watch for it! Spartanedge.com
gotta love it!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Game Day
It doesn’t matter about our record, it doesn’t matter about getting to a bowl game. Right now, it’s about an age-old rivalry, it’s about being louder, faster, sturdier than we’ve ever been. It’s about holding our line and smashing right through their line of blue. It’s about showing them we’re not ‘little brother’ we are, in fact, their big brother. It’s about dominating, it’s about respect, and it’s about honor. So, Spartans, what is your profession?
That paragraph was written as an away message. It was put up around 9 am when the air was alive with an electric buzz, and my fellow Spartan friends and I were no exception to those affected. We were all decked out in green and white (head to toe, mind you) by ten, and already celebrating the festivities by ten thirty. Chants of ‘Go Green’ ‘Go White’ echoed throughout campus, only interrupted by the strains of the fight song or another favorite MSU student chant of ‘asshole’.
At One pm, lined up outside of the student gates, the crowds were growing bigger. Everyone just knew when the gates opened, there would be an ambush to get the best seats for the biggest rivalry game of the year. Glares were cast towards where the U of M band was warming up, and cheers were becoming louder. As Two grew near, the buzz was electrifying, excitement consuming the rest of our minds.
The game was a mess of ups and downs, a mixture of cheers and dissapointments. Especially after one interception that went the way of MSU, my friends and I were making fools of ourselves dancing when my phone rang. It was my boyfriend, yelling that I had just been on T.V. Well, I didn’t quite believe him, and then my phone died. What excellent timing. Apparently, I was on ESPN for at least five to ten seconds in a ‘fan shot’ on the biggest game day for MSU of the year. Amazing! That didn’t matter, though, our team was still down and we needed to pull it up. The whole student section had faith in our boys, and the Wolverines were in Sparta. Everyone knows, if you’re a Wolverine, you don’t belong in our territory.
With the last minutes of the game looming near, the fans’ anticipation grew immensly. It was such a close game, and this year we actually had a chance of winning. A chance of actually crushing the Wolverines to smitherines. The clock ticked down, and as the last chance for Michigan State to win the game was thrown away, the stadium’s cheers rose for Michigan, and all the State fans were silenced. Mouths were hung open, and tears were actually forming in my eyes. There was such promise, hope, and honor to be won. Bragging rights for a year were thrown away, and sadness was removed, replaced with anger and frustration.
The Spartans drudged back to the dorms, trying to beat the cafeteria rush. No one said anything. There wasn’t the usual buzz of the game, no talk of awesome plays or what could have been done differently. Instead, in Case hall, when in a sea of green & white a maize & blue shirt appeared, the only buzz there was died down, and everyone became completely silent. I didn’t want to be the one to start it, but the urge of throwing my chicken tenders at him was almost too great for me to repress. Instead, after a couple seconds of silence, someone started talking again, and everyone followed suite. It kills me, but it was probably for the best.
The only thing to do now is to prepare for next year. It is time to prepare for Glory, time to prepare for respect. Training is now in our teams midst, and it is time to be better than we ever have been. They know they have 40,000 plus students behind them, 40,000 plus people believing that they can do it. Next year, boys. Next year will be our year. It will be our time for honor, respect, and dignity. So, Spartans, What is your profession?
That paragraph was written as an away message. It was put up around 9 am when the air was alive with an electric buzz, and my fellow Spartan friends and I were no exception to those affected. We were all decked out in green and white (head to toe, mind you) by ten, and already celebrating the festivities by ten thirty. Chants of ‘Go Green’ ‘Go White’ echoed throughout campus, only interrupted by the strains of the fight song or another favorite MSU student chant of ‘asshole’.
At One pm, lined up outside of the student gates, the crowds were growing bigger. Everyone just knew when the gates opened, there would be an ambush to get the best seats for the biggest rivalry game of the year. Glares were cast towards where the U of M band was warming up, and cheers were becoming louder. As Two grew near, the buzz was electrifying, excitement consuming the rest of our minds.
The game was a mess of ups and downs, a mixture of cheers and dissapointments. Especially after one interception that went the way of MSU, my friends and I were making fools of ourselves dancing when my phone rang. It was my boyfriend, yelling that I had just been on T.V. Well, I didn’t quite believe him, and then my phone died. What excellent timing. Apparently, I was on ESPN for at least five to ten seconds in a ‘fan shot’ on the biggest game day for MSU of the year. Amazing! That didn’t matter, though, our team was still down and we needed to pull it up. The whole student section had faith in our boys, and the Wolverines were in Sparta. Everyone knows, if you’re a Wolverine, you don’t belong in our territory.
With the last minutes of the game looming near, the fans’ anticipation grew immensly. It was such a close game, and this year we actually had a chance of winning. A chance of actually crushing the Wolverines to smitherines. The clock ticked down, and as the last chance for Michigan State to win the game was thrown away, the stadium’s cheers rose for Michigan, and all the State fans were silenced. Mouths were hung open, and tears were actually forming in my eyes. There was such promise, hope, and honor to be won. Bragging rights for a year were thrown away, and sadness was removed, replaced with anger and frustration.
The Spartans drudged back to the dorms, trying to beat the cafeteria rush. No one said anything. There wasn’t the usual buzz of the game, no talk of awesome plays or what could have been done differently. Instead, in Case hall, when in a sea of green & white a maize & blue shirt appeared, the only buzz there was died down, and everyone became completely silent. I didn’t want to be the one to start it, but the urge of throwing my chicken tenders at him was almost too great for me to repress. Instead, after a couple seconds of silence, someone started talking again, and everyone followed suite. It kills me, but it was probably for the best.
The only thing to do now is to prepare for next year. It is time to prepare for Glory, time to prepare for respect. Training is now in our teams midst, and it is time to be better than we ever have been. They know they have 40,000 plus students behind them, 40,000 plus people believing that they can do it. Next year, boys. Next year will be our year. It will be our time for honor, respect, and dignity. So, Spartans, What is your profession?
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