Spartans--what is your profession??

For as much as Jenn and I don't speak, and don't keep in contact, I will always owe her for a statement she made to me my Freshman year of college. It was fall of 2006, and I was having a very rough time at MSU. A bad roomate, horrible classes, not many good friends, not many friends at all, actually, and bad cases of home-sickness played into me wanting to transfer schools. This was the topic of our phone convorsation one day. Transferring to Central and hanging out with all of hte amazing people I had met up there. Then, she said something that gave me the courage to stay at Michigan State University.

"State is your dream, babe. You can transfer up here to Central with me if you want, which I would love, but Michigan State is your dream school."

Was I really going to give up on what I had wanted since I was a little girl? After I had worked so hard to get into this school, pulled everything together last semester so I could stay here, was I really going to give up my reward for all my hard work? No, I wasn't. She was right. MSU was my dream, and I'm so stoked to be here today.

Now walking down Wilson Rd. on my way to the most boring class in the world, I stopped in the BioMed building for a Spartys mocha capp. I smile because I'm making this year so much better than last year. Good friends, good classes, parties and football games, this year has already trumped last year by far.

So, even though we don't talk anymore, and our lives are going seperate ways (like most people's do after high school), I just want her to know she gave me the strength to carry on at MSU. I'm having the time of my life, and I will forever remember her quote. I'm not saying she's soley responsible for me staying here, my parent's, boyfriend, and new friends I made were a deciding factor, too, but the quote helped a lot. So, I will forever be thankful to her for that. Thank you, Jennifer, I will be forever grateful. If it were not for that quote, reminding me of my dream, I wouldn't be having the time of my life today. Besides, after 300, who wants to be anything BUT a Spartan??

I'm freaking Dr. Phil

him: she doesnt talk about anything important.

him: and thats what a relationship is for me.

him: someone to talk to, about anything and everything, but more so if its something thats important to either of us.

him: and nothing is ever important to her, and therefore nothing important to me is ever really that important.

him: so we just sort of talk about the weather.

me: which sucks.

me: because really, what you're looking for in a relationship is a best friend.

me: and best friends know basically everything about each other.

me: they're the one you run to when you need help,

me: when you need someone to be there for you,

me: when serious things occur, when you need advice.

me: but they're also there just to go shopping, or to watch a movie, goof around with.

me: ultimately, you're looking for them to be the person who knows you the best. the one who when you say you don't want to talk to anyone, knows when you need to talk, and when to back off.


Wow, between my Ben & Jerry's quote earlier (Ben and Jerry are my two favorite boys. They're perfect to hang out with on a laid-back Saturday night, always willing to hang out with your girls, and they're always there to pick you up when you've fallen from a heartbreak.)

Finally Got over that song of ours...

Finally got over that song of ours; stopped chasin' little red sports cars,
To check the license plates and I quit drivin' by your place.
Back makin' the rounds at our old haunts: Honky Tonks, restaurants.
And seein' some of our old friends: it feels good to dance again.
And I can finally smell your perfume and not look around the room for you.
And I can walk right by your picture in a frame and not feel a thing.

But when I hear your name,
I feel rain fallin' right out of the blue sky.
And it's the fifth of May, and I'm right there starin' in your eyes.
And nothin's changed, and we're still same.
And I get lost in the innocence of a first kiss,
And I'm hangin' on to every word rollin' off of your lips:
And that's all it takes, and I'm in that place,
Every time I hear your name.


~Keith Anderson knows exactly how to describe my feelings right now. Everytime I hear your name...the first verse and the chorus explain it all. I'm moving on with my life, and I can't wait for the next first kiss. There's a whole new firsts I'm ready for- and I can't wait. Listening to that song tonight made me realize, I can listen to You Save Me, I'm dealing with everyone who asks if I'm still dating you, and it doesn't hurt and I don't hesitate to say no anymore. I look back on the times we had, and realize that you helped me to be the person I am today, and not only that, you helped me make one of the best friendships I have now. I look at pictures, and smile. I talk about you with no tinge of sadness at all. I know I've thanked you before, but I'm doing it again. I remember all the times we had (the good and the bad), and realize I wouldn't trade them for the world. And I can't wait to screen all of your new girlfriends, tell you how you can do so much better but if you like them, then go for it. And I can only hope that you'll be completely honest with all of my upcoming boyfriends, too. Not going to lie, I'll always have a twinge of jealousy that those girls are with you, even though I don't want you, it's the whole I can have someone new but you can't. I'll deal with it, though, just like you'll have to. So, adios, and I can't wait for all of my firsts that are upcoming. And, I especially can't wait for the next summer fling. Because those, are the best.

And in the mix of things, the Spray Butter was lost

"We didn't ever lose each other, we just got separated from the herd and it took the shepard a while to find us."

The above statement, is completely true. It's amazing how you can not talk to a person for two or three months, think about them all the time, wonder about them, not take the pictures down of them, know you might see them, be cordial, but nothing really more, and then have a connection with them you haven't had in a long time.

It was just a simple job. Take her boyfriend up to 7/11 to get some spray butter. He walks out, is yelling in the phone, and slams my new car door. What's wrong? His girlfriend (my long-time best friend) is at her ex-boyfriends house. Now, this isn't just any ex-boyfriend...It's her first love. One she never wanted to see again. This, is a big deal. Shaking my head, I just knew what I had to do. Without question I drove back to the house we were at. He ran inside, grabbed any guy who would go, and told me to stay. Yea, right. I told him I was driving.

Let's take a step back here. Even though I hadn't talked to this girl, I knew what she needed. A.) not to be there, B.) for her boyfriend not to be yelling at her because of it, C.) someone to yell at the people she was with for letting her go there, and D.) Me to get her out of there okay and alive. Yes, that's a little bit cockey of myself...but no one else was right for the job.

She knew something was up when she saw me walk through the door. I motioned for her to come to me, and she did. No questions asked. There wasn't even a look in her eye. I whispered to her "go talk to him". They did. Fifteen minutes and almost one fight later (Yes, I was going to hit a girl. Don't put it past me- she was the one who made short stuff go), they came back. I could tell she wasn't okay even when I asked her. So, a big hug was in order. I could feel her trembling, so I took her outside. Like I said, I know this girl, and she knows me.

We talked for a while, until we were both freezing cold. Turns out, she didn't want to be there. She was uncomfortable, but she was the DD. I told her it didn't matter. If she wanted to leave, then it was time to leave. I told her she needed to learn the rules of being the DD :). I gave her the old spiel I usually give her, and then we went back inside. We rounded up the guys and left.

Her boyfriend was smoking outside, and she started yelling at him. I grabbed her arm and made it clear she had no right to say anything at that moment in time. The thing with this girl is, we could not talk for months, and if one of us was in trouble, or somewhere where she needed rescuing, the other would be there in a heartbeat. And not only that, we could still be frankly honest and yell at the other one if they were being ignorant and wrong, and the other wouldn't take offense to it. She was in no position to say anything to him, and he was in no position to say anything to her, either. I was the ref. Yep, black & white stripes all the way- a yellow card was being held up. We held hands the whole way home, and I even drove her car back to the party with our friends for her.

She and I talked in the car, just covering the basics of the last few months. She had checked up on me, as I did her. However, instead of doing it the old-fashioned way, she just did the smart thing. She read. What did she read? The very thing you're reading now. to tell you the truth, I wouldn't have even thought of it. and that's why I told her she was the smarter one out of the two of us.

The party was broken up by parent's about a half hour after we got back, so we headed over to my house (she had had another opportunity to speak to her boyfriend, and things were getting better between the two of them). We hot-tubbed it for about ten minutes before we got a call saying to go to another house. She went, I stayed. She needed to, I didn't. I got a call five minutes after she left my house. She said, "You want to hear my philosophy?" of course I was intruiged, "We didn't lose each other, we just got separated from the herd and it took the shepard a little while to find us".

"We'll never lose each other." was my response. And now, here I am, writing this, waiting for her to return. Even if she didn't (which I know she will, her blanket & pillow is still here), I'd be okay with it. Because what needed to be done was done tonight.

It's not the same, and it won't be for a while, but we're working on it. It will be, eventually, and I can't wait for that day to come. Whether it be this summer,tomorrow, sometime next year, or even in three years. It'll be a great day. And, I have a feeling, I won't even recognize the day. I'll look back three years after it happens, and laugh about how dumb I was, because I've finally realized we were back to normal...which, for us, really isn't normal at all.

Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget....G. Randolf.

No one knows how badly I need to talk right now. I want to cry so bad, but I'm not letting myself. I thought writing was a good idea, because I couldn't get these thoughts out of my head...but now, I don't know what to put.

For one, thank you for calling me up and venting to me. I wouldn't expect anything less...but now, I can't fall asleep, and I need to vent. So, when I need to vent...you need to sleep. I woke up for you, and even though you told me to go back to sleep, I stayed on the line because I knew you had to vent. I knew something was wrong. Yes, I understand you're only going to get two hours of sleep before you go to school tomorrow, and yes, I understand that there are probably so many things running through your mind right now it's hard for you to reach that state, as well. Once I realized that you were almost asleep, I was going to let you go. There was no need what-so-ever to say, "no, I'm going to sleep". I would never, NEVER say that to you if you needed to talk. That pissed me off. Maybe I'm too good a friend, then. And I wasn't going to tell you, anyways, because a.) you didn't need me stressing you out more, and b.) you needed sleep. You didn't need it, but,now,I need you.

I've undergone so many things this year. I've dealt with so many different things emotionally, I'm wondering right now how I'm carrying on. I know it's all a part of life, but right now I'm sick of life. Right now, I want last summer back. I want my friends who knew everything about me- and don't get me wrong, I love my new friends, honestly they are the best. So, hearts go out to Elissa, Alyssa and Mel. But, since the beginning of the school year, I've changed. I'm not the same person emotionally anymore, and you know that. You helped me become who I am today. You saw me through a horrible first semester, losing two of my best friends, finally getting out there and making new friends, and a horrible event that occured less than two weeks ago. Now, even though you'll probably get very angry when you read this, you need to know. It's exactly how I'm feeling, exactly what you need to know because I don't have the guts to tell you right now.

Don't trade me in. I know you think this is retarded, and you're angry with me for thinking this...but I've already lost two of my best friends in the whole entire world because of you. You started pointing out flaws right and left, you made me realize that they weren't the people I wanted to be hanging out with...but basically, I grew up and really forgot about everyone back home. Who do I have left now that I'm really close to? You. I'm just scared with all the partying you do now, and everything, that you're going to trade me in for someone new. You're going to find someone else and get closer to them. Why am I even worried about this? Because when I'm home, when I was so pissed off at you, but I was trying to deal with it, you were going to go over there. You were going to go party and have fun...when not even a month ago, you would have still come and been with me even when I had said I was fine. The point being, I know you didn't ditch me for them...but you were going to. And that hurts.

I'm not upset that you have other friends- if I was, there'd be something wrong and I would tell you not to be my friend. I know it may seem like that's the case, but I'm not. You're under so much stress right now, and I am, too. I'm just so scared (and I have been for a while) that you're going to start hanging out with these guys so much that you're going to forget about me. And where does that leave me? Alone...completely. And I can't deal with that.

Now I'm up, at 4:00 am, writing this. Anyone in their right mind would be asleep, but I can't. I need to talk, you need to know this. I've already called you twice...but I know you can't deal with this, and that's why I'm not telling you. I don't know what this is going to accomplish (sending you this) it'll probably make you as pissed off as ever, and I know you don't need that, either. So don't be mad at me, because last night you wanted to know. I'm not bringing it up again, unless you do. Don't get mad at me, it's just something you needed to know. Honestly, I'm too worried about you most of the time to worry about me. And I know you're going to yell at me for that, too, but...until now you weren't worrying enough about it. So at least one of us was. So thank you for ruining my excellent night. It was honestly great up until around quarter after 3. And now, I'm the one who won't get any sleep tonight.

What'll happen in the morning?

She was so excited. Work had just ended, and it was time for her and her friends to go out. She changed her outfit three times. Once, because she thought it was a casual night out…then she realized everyone else wasn’t in jeans and a t-shirt. So, then came the halter top with a jean jacket, jeans and boots. When her friend showed up in a black halter with a see-through back and jeans, she knew once again she’d have to change. So, off came the halter and jean-jacket and on came the never-been-worn sparkly red halter made especially for clubbing. With the three of the girls (one a dazzling blonde with a princess crown…it was her birthday weekend, damn it… the other two brilliant brunettes who were looking for a ton of fun)and the blonde’s friend (Colin) going over to the residence hall called Bailey, to use their friends for some alcohol.
The girls arrived shortly around 10:30. Dave #2 came up to see the blonde, because well, they’re the best of friends. Green Apple Bacardi was the drink of the hour, and Coke was the chaser. She didn’t have much…if it wasn’t beer, jack, margaritas, pina coladas or smirnoffs, it was gross. The music was up, the dancing was on. She wasn’t being seductive…she wasn’t looking for anything. She just wanted a night out with the girls. That’s all she ever wanted, lately. Guys were too complicated. She had lost friends over them, and they weren’t even worth it. That’s besides the point, though. Brendan and Dave(#1) wanted to go out and meet some ‘honey’s’ as they put it. She just laughed and made fun of them. For one, the other brunette had a massive crush on Dave…as he did on her. They all decided to leave and go to the house party on Milford. Needless to say, it was lame. Girls were free, and there were 3 kegs. However…there were no cups left, and no keg stands allowed.
The brunettes, Dave and Brendan left around midnight to go back to the dorm. The girls stopped at Taco Bell just to go to the restroom. And, who should call as she was washing her hands, but one of her favorite people in the world. The one who always could cheer her up, talk to her for no reason, the one who would always be there for her. They fought. Over what? She couldn’t tell you. She just knew that they did. Her happy-go-lucky mood was ruined. Well, only for a second. Brendan knew exactly what to do to make her happy. Give her a hug, tell her she shouldn’t worry about him, and to go have a good rest of the night with them. She agreed (only after a couple more phone calls to him).
She went to Rather, first. Hanging out with Darius, Jermel, Darius’s friend, Chantel, and the other brunette was the highlight of her night. Hookah fun, as they called it. Then, the other brunette decided to go to Mark’s room. Bad idea. She was yelling, he was being calm, and she was the referee. She didn’t want to be in the middle of it, and Mark didn’t need it. However, it was happening. She kept apologizing over and over and over to Mark, hoping he would know what had happened in the events of that night. Interesting information was found out. Martin, Dave and Brendan’s friend, had raped a girl. And the stunning blonde they were with, he was looking to be next. Her mouth dropped open in disbelief. The other brunette bugged out and went over to Bailey, where Brendan and Dave were. She followed in suite. She played beer pong. Brendan grabbed her waist and pulled her close. She dodged to the side out of his grasp and threw the ball. It splashed into the cup, spilling it. Paper towel? Of course a guy doesn’t have that in his room. The other brunette went to go look for some. Dave followed. She sat on the couch, watching the basketball game that was on. He sat next to her. No big deal…so she thought. They were talking. He scooted closer. He asked for a hug. Of course! She needed one. She was upset with her best friend. Except, the hug went further than that. It turned into Brendan kissing her neck. She tried letting go of the hug, but he latched on like a leech. She scooted away onto the couch, which didn’t work out too well. She slunk down underneath him, the whole time saying, “Brendan, stop. Brendan, STOP!”. He didn’t stop though. It wasn’t long before his whole weight was basically on top of her. She was freaking out. What was she thinking? It wasn't clear…all she could remember was, ‘I want him here. This can’t be happening to me. It’s NOT going to happen to me.’. She got her arms free, and pushed him hard. Then, when she had enough lee-way, she punched him. A hard right hook into his chin. His hands went to his face, her feet went to the floor. She had never run out of a room so fast in her life. She had never run to her room so fast in her life. She was holding back tears. She wasn’t going to cry. She was stronger than that. She needed to talk to him. She didn’t dare stop though until she was at the dorm.
She went to Jermel’s room, just to hang out. She needed to be around people she trusted. Well…she thought she trusted Brendan(didn’t quite work out though, huh?). He knew something was up, as did Gary, Manny, Darius, his friend, the other brunette(she showed up five minutes later), and Charles. The hookah was in full-swing, but she left. Gary asked what was wrong in the hall, but she wouldn’t answer. She just said she was tired and needed sleep. He said okay, and left it at that.
Once she got into her room, she locked the door. She collapsed on the futon, tears welling up in her eyes. No. She would not cry. She would not. She wanted nothing more than for her best friend to be holding her and telling her that everything was okay, that nothing happened, and to calm her down. So, she called him. Then, she wouldn’t talk…she knew if she did, tears would fall. She wanted to tell him, and she didn’t. She didn’t want him to know how stupid she had been, how irresponsible. The tears fell, she was choking on them. She was drowning in her own idiotic mistake. She told him she shouldn’t have been in that situation, he would be outrageously upset with her for even being in that situation. She kept telling him that, and after he swore he wouldn’t be mad at her, she told him. The tears fell harder, and he said he was proud of her. She couldn’t believe it. He was proud of her? No ridicule? No lecture? She needed sleep. She could feel herself falling. She didn’t want to let him go. She wasn’t okay. The call was lost, he was gone.
He called back two seconds later, saying his battery was dying and he couldn’t talk long. She wanted him there now. He suggested the midnight bus. That didn’t help, seeing as how it was past midnight. He told her to catch the next bus home, he would pay her back when she got there. He told her to write. Write everything down, get it out of her head.It’s what she did best (she said it wasn’t). This is the result. Tears still falling, sleep still hanging over her head like an infant clinging to his mother. Sparty bear in her lap, and a blanket around her shoulders. The story is out, it’s time for bed. But what’ll happen in the morning?

One Person

There will always be at least one person in your life whom you will never forget. One person who knew the most about you, maybe cared the most about you. The person who you could spend a whole weekend together with and not get tired of. The person who you'll let go make out with their boyfriend in the other room just because you're her best friend. Like I said before- there's a line where best friend crosses into something else. And this girl is truly my sister.
We have not had a big fight except for almost a year ago- and even then, it was solved within a day or two. This girl is amazing, and I adore her. She let me learn all my mistakes by myself, and when I came crying to her about them, she didn't say 'I told you so'. She held me and helped me, and I do the same for her. We let each other learn our own mistakes, and we comfort each other when we realize we've done something ridiculous.
Katie has been through so much in her lifetime, more than I could imagine, but I've been standing right by her through all of it. Not only have I stood by her, she's stood by me and we will continue to do so in our years. It doesn't matter that I don't see her every week like I used to, we're still best friends. She's the one who I can call when I have a bad day, and if she gets in a fight I'm the one who will back her up.
I thought I knew what the meaning of 'best friends' and 'sisters' was...but then I realized I didn't at all. The only true 'sister' I have is Katie. It took some recent events for me to figure that out, but she is the only one who, whether she agrees or disagrees with what my actions are, she'll tell me her opinion and then be done with it. She'll let me do what I want to do, what makes me happy.
I will not forget this girl in my whole life (and not just because she's going to be there the rest of my life, either). The past 15 years have meant something big to me, and I know they've meant something to her, too. It's amazing how two scared 3 year olds going into dance class can have 15 years to figure things out about each other, form a bond that can never be broken, and become the best of friends there ever will be. No one can understand how close we are, and I think it's confusing to a lot of people. But she's my Katie and I'm her Kris, and it's how we roll.
I love you Katie, forever and for always!!