No one knows how badly I need to talk right now. I want to cry so bad, but I'm not letting myself. I thought writing was a good idea, because I couldn't get these thoughts out of my head...but now, I don't know what to put.

For one, thank you for calling me up and venting to me. I wouldn't expect anything less...but now, I can't fall asleep, and I need to vent. So, when I need to vent...you need to sleep. I woke up for you, and even though you told me to go back to sleep, I stayed on the line because I knew you had to vent. I knew something was wrong. Yes, I understand you're only going to get two hours of sleep before you go to school tomorrow, and yes, I understand that there are probably so many things running through your mind right now it's hard for you to reach that state, as well. Once I realized that you were almost asleep, I was going to let you go. There was no need what-so-ever to say, "no, I'm going to sleep". I would never, NEVER say that to you if you needed to talk. That pissed me off. Maybe I'm too good a friend, then. And I wasn't going to tell you, anyways, because a.) you didn't need me stressing you out more, and b.) you needed sleep. You didn't need it, but,now,I need you.

I've undergone so many things this year. I've dealt with so many different things emotionally, I'm wondering right now how I'm carrying on. I know it's all a part of life, but right now I'm sick of life. Right now, I want last summer back. I want my friends who knew everything about me- and don't get me wrong, I love my new friends, honestly they are the best. So, hearts go out to Elissa, Alyssa and Mel. But, since the beginning of the school year, I've changed. I'm not the same person emotionally anymore, and you know that. You helped me become who I am today. You saw me through a horrible first semester, losing two of my best friends, finally getting out there and making new friends, and a horrible event that occured less than two weeks ago. Now, even though you'll probably get very angry when you read this, you need to know. It's exactly how I'm feeling, exactly what you need to know because I don't have the guts to tell you right now.

Don't trade me in. I know you think this is retarded, and you're angry with me for thinking this...but I've already lost two of my best friends in the whole entire world because of you. You started pointing out flaws right and left, you made me realize that they weren't the people I wanted to be hanging out with...but basically, I grew up and really forgot about everyone back home. Who do I have left now that I'm really close to? You. I'm just scared with all the partying you do now, and everything, that you're going to trade me in for someone new. You're going to find someone else and get closer to them. Why am I even worried about this? Because when I'm home, when I was so pissed off at you, but I was trying to deal with it, you were going to go over there. You were going to go party and have fun...when not even a month ago, you would have still come and been with me even when I had said I was fine. The point being, I know you didn't ditch me for them...but you were going to. And that hurts.

I'm not upset that you have other friends- if I was, there'd be something wrong and I would tell you not to be my friend. I know it may seem like that's the case, but I'm not. You're under so much stress right now, and I am, too. I'm just so scared (and I have been for a while) that you're going to start hanging out with these guys so much that you're going to forget about me. And where does that leave me? Alone...completely. And I can't deal with that.

Now I'm up, at 4:00 am, writing this. Anyone in their right mind would be asleep, but I can't. I need to talk, you need to know this. I've already called you twice...but I know you can't deal with this, and that's why I'm not telling you. I don't know what this is going to accomplish (sending you this) it'll probably make you as pissed off as ever, and I know you don't need that, either. So don't be mad at me, because last night you wanted to know. I'm not bringing it up again, unless you do. Don't get mad at me, it's just something you needed to know. Honestly, I'm too worried about you most of the time to worry about me. And I know you're going to yell at me for that, too, but...until now you weren't worrying enough about it. So at least one of us was. So thank you for ruining my excellent night. It was honestly great up until around quarter after 3. And now, I'm the one who won't get any sleep tonight.

What'll happen in the morning?

She was so excited. Work had just ended, and it was time for her and her friends to go out. She changed her outfit three times. Once, because she thought it was a casual night out…then she realized everyone else wasn’t in jeans and a t-shirt. So, then came the halter top with a jean jacket, jeans and boots. When her friend showed up in a black halter with a see-through back and jeans, she knew once again she’d have to change. So, off came the halter and jean-jacket and on came the never-been-worn sparkly red halter made especially for clubbing. With the three of the girls (one a dazzling blonde with a princess crown…it was her birthday weekend, damn it… the other two brilliant brunettes who were looking for a ton of fun)and the blonde’s friend (Colin) going over to the residence hall called Bailey, to use their friends for some alcohol.
The girls arrived shortly around 10:30. Dave #2 came up to see the blonde, because well, they’re the best of friends. Green Apple Bacardi was the drink of the hour, and Coke was the chaser. She didn’t have much…if it wasn’t beer, jack, margaritas, pina coladas or smirnoffs, it was gross. The music was up, the dancing was on. She wasn’t being seductive…she wasn’t looking for anything. She just wanted a night out with the girls. That’s all she ever wanted, lately. Guys were too complicated. She had lost friends over them, and they weren’t even worth it. That’s besides the point, though. Brendan and Dave(#1) wanted to go out and meet some ‘honey’s’ as they put it. She just laughed and made fun of them. For one, the other brunette had a massive crush on Dave…as he did on her. They all decided to leave and go to the house party on Milford. Needless to say, it was lame. Girls were free, and there were 3 kegs. However…there were no cups left, and no keg stands allowed.
The brunettes, Dave and Brendan left around midnight to go back to the dorm. The girls stopped at Taco Bell just to go to the restroom. And, who should call as she was washing her hands, but one of her favorite people in the world. The one who always could cheer her up, talk to her for no reason, the one who would always be there for her. They fought. Over what? She couldn’t tell you. She just knew that they did. Her happy-go-lucky mood was ruined. Well, only for a second. Brendan knew exactly what to do to make her happy. Give her a hug, tell her she shouldn’t worry about him, and to go have a good rest of the night with them. She agreed (only after a couple more phone calls to him).
She went to Rather, first. Hanging out with Darius, Jermel, Darius’s friend, Chantel, and the other brunette was the highlight of her night. Hookah fun, as they called it. Then, the other brunette decided to go to Mark’s room. Bad idea. She was yelling, he was being calm, and she was the referee. She didn’t want to be in the middle of it, and Mark didn’t need it. However, it was happening. She kept apologizing over and over and over to Mark, hoping he would know what had happened in the events of that night. Interesting information was found out. Martin, Dave and Brendan’s friend, had raped a girl. And the stunning blonde they were with, he was looking to be next. Her mouth dropped open in disbelief. The other brunette bugged out and went over to Bailey, where Brendan and Dave were. She followed in suite. She played beer pong. Brendan grabbed her waist and pulled her close. She dodged to the side out of his grasp and threw the ball. It splashed into the cup, spilling it. Paper towel? Of course a guy doesn’t have that in his room. The other brunette went to go look for some. Dave followed. She sat on the couch, watching the basketball game that was on. He sat next to her. No big deal…so she thought. They were talking. He scooted closer. He asked for a hug. Of course! She needed one. She was upset with her best friend. Except, the hug went further than that. It turned into Brendan kissing her neck. She tried letting go of the hug, but he latched on like a leech. She scooted away onto the couch, which didn’t work out too well. She slunk down underneath him, the whole time saying, “Brendan, stop. Brendan, STOP!”. He didn’t stop though. It wasn’t long before his whole weight was basically on top of her. She was freaking out. What was she thinking? It wasn't clear…all she could remember was, ‘I want him here. This can’t be happening to me. It’s NOT going to happen to me.’. She got her arms free, and pushed him hard. Then, when she had enough lee-way, she punched him. A hard right hook into his chin. His hands went to his face, her feet went to the floor. She had never run out of a room so fast in her life. She had never run to her room so fast in her life. She was holding back tears. She wasn’t going to cry. She was stronger than that. She needed to talk to him. She didn’t dare stop though until she was at the dorm.
She went to Jermel’s room, just to hang out. She needed to be around people she trusted. Well…she thought she trusted Brendan(didn’t quite work out though, huh?). He knew something was up, as did Gary, Manny, Darius, his friend, the other brunette(she showed up five minutes later), and Charles. The hookah was in full-swing, but she left. Gary asked what was wrong in the hall, but she wouldn’t answer. She just said she was tired and needed sleep. He said okay, and left it at that.
Once she got into her room, she locked the door. She collapsed on the futon, tears welling up in her eyes. No. She would not cry. She would not. She wanted nothing more than for her best friend to be holding her and telling her that everything was okay, that nothing happened, and to calm her down. So, she called him. Then, she wouldn’t talk…she knew if she did, tears would fall. She wanted to tell him, and she didn’t. She didn’t want him to know how stupid she had been, how irresponsible. The tears fell, she was choking on them. She was drowning in her own idiotic mistake. She told him she shouldn’t have been in that situation, he would be outrageously upset with her for even being in that situation. She kept telling him that, and after he swore he wouldn’t be mad at her, she told him. The tears fell harder, and he said he was proud of her. She couldn’t believe it. He was proud of her? No ridicule? No lecture? She needed sleep. She could feel herself falling. She didn’t want to let him go. She wasn’t okay. The call was lost, he was gone.
He called back two seconds later, saying his battery was dying and he couldn’t talk long. She wanted him there now. He suggested the midnight bus. That didn’t help, seeing as how it was past midnight. He told her to catch the next bus home, he would pay her back when she got there. He told her to write. Write everything down, get it out of her head.It’s what she did best (she said it wasn’t). This is the result. Tears still falling, sleep still hanging over her head like an infant clinging to his mother. Sparty bear in her lap, and a blanket around her shoulders. The story is out, it’s time for bed. But what’ll happen in the morning?

One Person

There will always be at least one person in your life whom you will never forget. One person who knew the most about you, maybe cared the most about you. The person who you could spend a whole weekend together with and not get tired of. The person who you'll let go make out with their boyfriend in the other room just because you're her best friend. Like I said before- there's a line where best friend crosses into something else. And this girl is truly my sister.
We have not had a big fight except for almost a year ago- and even then, it was solved within a day or two. This girl is amazing, and I adore her. She let me learn all my mistakes by myself, and when I came crying to her about them, she didn't say 'I told you so'. She held me and helped me, and I do the same for her. We let each other learn our own mistakes, and we comfort each other when we realize we've done something ridiculous.
Katie has been through so much in her lifetime, more than I could imagine, but I've been standing right by her through all of it. Not only have I stood by her, she's stood by me and we will continue to do so in our years. It doesn't matter that I don't see her every week like I used to, we're still best friends. She's the one who I can call when I have a bad day, and if she gets in a fight I'm the one who will back her up.
I thought I knew what the meaning of 'best friends' and 'sisters' was...but then I realized I didn't at all. The only true 'sister' I have is Katie. It took some recent events for me to figure that out, but she is the only one who, whether she agrees or disagrees with what my actions are, she'll tell me her opinion and then be done with it. She'll let me do what I want to do, what makes me happy.
I will not forget this girl in my whole life (and not just because she's going to be there the rest of my life, either). The past 15 years have meant something big to me, and I know they've meant something to her, too. It's amazing how two scared 3 year olds going into dance class can have 15 years to figure things out about each other, form a bond that can never be broken, and become the best of friends there ever will be. No one can understand how close we are, and I think it's confusing to a lot of people. But she's my Katie and I'm her Kris, and it's how we roll.
I love you Katie, forever and for always!!

Topsy Turvy

Just when you have everything figured out, one thing in the equation is displaced and the whole universe becomes topsy-turvy once again. No one even gets three seconds worth of rest.

Being 'just friends' is changed by one kiss. Not started by you, of course. But, after four hours of driving, falling asleep on each other's shoulders, a kiss happens, and one of the best nights is brought about because of it. The night includes swimming, long talks about life, a sauna, showering (individually, duh), music, and dancing. Falling asleep around 3 AM, the night was perfect. It was fun. It was how life is supposed to be. It was blissful, absolutely perfect.

One note can change everything, too. Just venting, so you don't have to tell people, and you don't end up yelling at them, you write a note that you don't expect anyone to read. Did you put anything too offensive in it? Nope. It's how you felt, and what you would have said if you called those people up. So, the universe, once again, is at the odds against you. Nothing new, just means this time you're fixing it all by yourself. And the one person you need to complain to, for them to be your rock, you can't talk to them. So then you turn to the other person who'd listen- but she's busy dealing with her own problems, and they're pretty huge...so you don't want to concern her. Why don't you want to tell anyone else? Because those are the two people who will listen and not give you advice. Because that's all you want. someone to listen to you. You're doing what you're doing, and no one's going to stop you. You've made your decision, you're sick of listening to and taking other people's advice.

Yep. Once again, you're all alone dealing with it. But you'll make it. You always do.

He probably knew you were faking it...

After a couple of bad dates, a girl has to ask herself, 'why me?'. I went into this date like I did any other, I took a shower, put on a cute outfit, applied the makeup, and waited for about 45 minutes before he arrived to my house. I went through every phase during that 45 minute waiting period. I was excited, nervous, absolutely dreading it, scared and anxious. going on a date with my best friends cousin? It was weird- to say the most, if not the least.

He picked me up at 6:15. I rushed out of the house as fast as I could with him, grabbing my coat from my car as I went. I had no idea what to talk about with him, knowing that I didn't want anything to happen right off hand. In fact, I didn't want anything to happen really at all. I knew I wasn't ready for that, and he was too nice of a guy for him to be my rebound. Getting out of a ten-month serious relationship, then actually dating that person for three more months, just ending it all less than a week ago, I wasn't ready for anything serious. I was just testing the waters, wondering where I still stood with the whole flirting ordeal.

After trying two restaraunts and having to wait for an absurd amount of time for a Saturday night, we decided on going to a little restaraunt that was in front of my old dance studio. It was good food, and there was no way it was going to be busy. We got right in there and sat at my designated table.

After fifteen minutes of engaging convorsation, our salads came. Yes, I ordered an anipasto salad, and he got a Honeymustard Walnut salad. Okay, first of all- I appreciate that you eat salad, that's good for you and everything- but...I don't think I could date a guy that eats a salad that is obviously labeled 'chick food'. Maybe I'm being absolutely stupid, maybe not. But, a SALAD? You're a guy! Anyways, the convorsation did not brighten my mood any. Turns out, he doesn't like the movie The Holiday. Doesn't matter who you are, that's a freaking good movie. There's a character for everyone, seriously! After a while, we kind of ran out of things to talk about, so we made small talk. I never thought I could meet a guy who talked more than I do, but I obviously proved myself wrong. By the time I finished my third glass of water, our salads were basically gone, and the check had been laying waiting to be paid for around fifteen minutes, he finally asked if I wanted to leave to go sledding. We had decided earlier that we weren't going to go to a movie, because there weren't that many good ones playing. So, sledding it was.

The drive home wasn't too entertaining. In all honesty, I couldn't tell you what we talked about during dinner or the drive. I was yawning too much, and my bed just sounded way too nice. So, regretfully, I asked him if it would be okay if I split early. I just wanted my bed and a nap. With him saying yes, it was okay, came the akward part. The picturesque standing on the front porch debating about a kiss goodnight. I saw him lean in, kind of, but I was too quick with the hug. Then, I turned around opening the door as fast as I could and jetted inside my house. Then I ran to the bathroom because my bladder felt like it was going to explode.

Am I the biggest witch of the east? I feel like I shouldn't even be able to date. Like I'm the worst at it- and I fail. This is a REALLY great guy, and I just don't know why I'm not attracted to him. There was more than one point in the evening when I wished I had some alchochol to help me attempt to make that a good date. Then I went to go hang out with my friends when I was supposed to be sleeping. Why isn't dating ever as easy as it is on The Hills, or Laguna Beach, or any other television show? yes, I know, that's because it's T.V., not real life. Or, because I'm not pretty and this is real life. Either or. I just want a nice guy, who I'm actually attracted to, to be interested in me. I thought I had found it with the last boyfriend...but I didn't. I just need to be single for a while, hang out with the girls. guys need to know that. I need to know that. And right now, I'm still trying to convince myself.
Zigblaster: lol he prolly knew you were faking it
Zigblaster: i think every guy can if the girl get "sick" half way through
KrizTbell06: oh lord
KrizTbell06: don't make me feel even worse.

CATAtarded

One has to wonder, on a day like this, why in the hell did I choose this school? Why not someplace warm? As I walked the twenty minutes to my class, I damned the weather in Michigan. After my last class, I decided to take the bus home. Instead of waiting for the 33 to come around and transferring to the 31 at the union, I took the 30. It was the first bus that came by and I vaguely remember the stop by Brody having a 30 stop. Well, I was wrong, to say the most. So I was stuck on a bus not knowing where the hell I was going.

What choice did I have but to wait until I got back to the stop where I started. Luckily, once we pulled back into the Holden stop the 33 was waiting right there. I hurredly rushed off and onto it. But, of course, my life couldn't be that simple. I had to transfer at the CATA station onto another 33 bus. There were two others there, and I didn't know what one to catch. Of course, I had to pick the one that wasn't destined for the Union, but for Holden. To put it nicely, I'm CATAtarded and have no idea what I was doing. So, after an hour of riding the bus, I finally landed at Wonders, which was two buildings away from where I started out that morning. I just gave up and walked back to my dorm room.

At dinner that night, I was sitting with a few of my friends telling this story. As Erica pointed out, had I taken the 30, it would have turned into the Akers bus, which would eventually lead me to Brody. Or, as Phil pointed out, if I had I just waited at the Cata station for five minutes (indoors, mind you!) I could have caught the 31 back to Brody.

Yep. That settles it. I'm deffinitley CATAtarded.

Classes and Open Houses

At one point in time, everyone has thought, thank God for the internet. They've had to. Well, right now is one of my times. Granted, I should be sitting and paying attention to my prof, but after deleting 5 & 1/2 pages of notes that I had just written, I could really care less. So, we turn to stories, yet again.


The summer of everyone's senior year, open houses are a huge deal. It doesn't even matter if you were friends with a person or not, you go to their open house. You eat free food, have fun with the same group of people, and take millions of pictures. It just so happened that on June 7th, Jenn and I had a million of Open Houses to go to. At 11:00 AM, I'm sitting in my room waiting for Jenn. When she got to my house, I heard the front door fly open and her scream. "KRISTY!" My mind started racing, and I ran out of my room right into her.

"What?!" I was scared.

"I NEED your help! It's a freaking crisis!" She pointed at her pants. There was makeup, liquid cover-up spilled all over her jeans.

I sighed, thinking I could have killed her at that exact moment. Then, I started laughing. I was laughing uncontrollably, just looking at the stain. " It's NOT funny!" she was still freaking out.

I motioned for her to follow me, and finally managed to say, "We can fix this. don't worry!" I led her into my parent's room where my mom was. We explained the situation, and my mom got right to work. Glancing at the time, I decided Jenn could wear a pair of my jeans.

With a crisis partially averted, Jenn and I climbed into her truck and got ready to leave. the makeup was laying in her cup holder, and I started laughing again.

"Hey, Jenn?"

"What." she was now starting to laugh, but she knew what was coming.

"You're not allowed to put on makeup in the car anymore. By the order of me." as Jenn started the truck, I got my camera out. I took a picture of the makeup, and the two of us.
I don't even know if I got my jeans back, but it's okay. I still have her pillow and I'm holding it hostage :)